1.48AM

For over an hour now I've been lying awake in bed. Probably it's the coffee I drank earlier tonight, or that short nap I had while I dozed off in front of the TV. Nothing seems to help soothe my mind and drive me toward Sleepland; not more lying around, not more TV, not more reading. Thoughts running again, on overdrive. Maybe by typing my thoughts, I can organise them, and lay them to rest (for now), so as to lay myself to rest.

Already the bottom half of the month of October, and many questions await answering; many decisions await making. After beginning to read about Buddhism's Four Noble Truths, I realise that (maybe) all my troubles at this very moment are due to my 'attachments'. Indeed, I seem to be perpetual consumed in my own problems, in my own 'suffering', so am unable to stand back for a moment and look at myself objectively. Only in looking at the situation from a distance, only if I'm able to recognise that it is my desires and aversions that is causing me grief and sleeplessness can I begin to escape the state of suffering. Easier said than done.

What 'troubles' me most is I'm lost as what I should do. The choice is between staying here in Taiwan longer (say until sometime next year at least), or returning to Europe within the next two weeks. Do what the heart tells you, so they say. But my heart and mind seem clouded, and I've never been good at making decisions and feeling comfortable about them. Again, there are too many attachments; to the 'what ifs', the way other people may think, the lost opportunities, the uncertainties... And as I weigh up the options, I see there are of these stumbling blocks which form the troubles and worries that cloud me at this very moment.

First, there's the issue what I would do here, and what I could do if I returned to Europe. It's too early for a study to begin, so I will have to find a job to support myself if I returned. Here, I could reconnect with the migrant worker centre and finally get some more information about the issue, and I could also spend more time in Puli, and spend more time finding out the spiritual aspects of life and living. Being in Taiwan longer will also enable me to maybe find a way to reach my dad, and maybe bridge the broken connections in the family.

But then, on the one hand, I worry that by staying on, I may spend the months here living the same unplanned, lethargic and undisciplined life I've been having (especially while at home!). And what of my 'career', as dad questioned me when we communicated on the phone...what of my 'future', of 'making money'? Valid questions, which make me somehow wonder whether pursuing a life of 'reflection and contemplation' in the mountains is really something that is worth pursuing... Though the latter is something I feel I've needed and sought, somehow I cannot turn away from the questioning eyes and belittling comments of others. Then again, if I were to step beyond myself and look at the situation objectively, I myself (with my doubts, my ego and fears) am the cause of all this worry. Where is the problem? Buddhism would say within myself.

So...what to do?
What to decide?
Who to talk to?

No closer am I now to when I first started writing this.
Only, in the meantime I've written down my thoughts and tried to see them through, to understand them, and to lay them to rest.
That is a beginning to solving them, right?