It goes on...

A silent dinner together, and then small talk. Nothing interesting, nothing new. A session of Q and A, where dad asked the questions, and I replied. The same monotonous questions asked so many times before, and the same monotonous answers replied so many times before.

Then dad decided to go for a walk, at half past ten. Strange time to be walking around, even more peculiar since he had telephone IC cards with him. Mum and I were left alone, she reading my blog with praise and satisfaction. But I knew that somehow, sometime the issue would come up.

And it did. Again, going around in circles, circling sorry state of affairs and atmosphere at home at the present moment. The silences, the distrust, the anger, frustration, the absence of love and care, and the presence of hostility and misunderstanding… she ended up in tears. But I became upset and frustrated. So many people have told her that she should deal with the problem once and for all. File for divorce, separate, leave dad and pursue a happier and burden-free life. But she had her reasons for staying; out of compassion, care and out of perhaps an inkling of love for someone she was with for over twenty-five years. The reality is that is situation and circumstances continue as they are now, no one will be happy, everyone will be hurt. I frankly don’t want to see two people I care for hurt and despise one another every moment of their waking moment until they die. Sooner or later, someone is bound to become ill, sick and tired, mentally, physically and spiritually, if not ill already. End this once and for all, solve the issue, deal with the problems!

As we talked, dad opened the front dad and came back. Mum went to meet him halfway. I trembled in front of the computer, and my heart raced like never before. Trembling and racing, trembling and racing, trembling and racing. And mum opened the scene.

Various sentences went by and dad did not respond at all. All I could hear were muffled voices. Then dad went and hid in his room.

I stood outside the room, and shouted at the wooden door. I was not angry, but disappointed and upset by the fact he is once again trying to flee from everything. I said frankly, there are many problems, many unsolved issues, many deep misunderstandings, and they won’t go away because the door is closed. For a while, no matter what I said, he would not open and come out. Once again, I poured my heart out and told him what I felt about the whole situation. Poured my heart out in front of a closed wooden door. I knew the door could drown the sight of me, but it could never drown my deep, penetrating words.

“I know you are unhappy, I know mum is unhappy, everyone is unhappy, and it’s only the second day since you moved back in. there’s so much tension, misunderstanding, so much distrust and delusion at the reality of things and facts, and it cannot go on. It simply cannot go on like this. I cannot stand to see two people I care about live together so unhappily and so full of grudges and misunderstanding
[…]
You have all this misunderstanding, all this delusion as to what mum and I are up to, but you don’t even bother to ask, you don’t bother to know. I tell you what you want to know, and I tell you everything truthfully and honestly, so where are the lies that you say we’ve been telling you?
[…]
I remember ten years ago [I was then eleven years old], I told mum I don’t see this marriage going anywhere. There’s no love, no care or understanding. Why stay together. I told her get a divorce, and live happily apart. And I told her time and again. Now ten years later, I say this again. Why stay together? What’s keeping you together?
[…]
Dad, the moment you left this home four years ago, this family died. It finished! And now you come back home again, as if nothing ever happened. You have the courage to come back here, and to say that you want to go live with brother and live with me in Holland. How can you even think and do all these things, when this family is so broken?
[…]
You don’t need to come out now, but sometime you will, you must. And the problems will be here, I will be here, mum will be here.”

Dad did not respond. I stopped shouting at the wooden door. I wanted to let it rest, but worried that dad would be terribly hurt and sleepless, or worse, do something ‘irrational’. So I wrote him something, and wanted to slip it under the door:

“So much bitterness and suppressed feelings,
Why not go face [them]?
So much misunderstanding
Why not go clearly understand the true face [reality of things]?
So much hatred and grudge
Why not go dissolve and resolve [them]?
This way can last for how long?
Wei-Wei”

「那麼多苦悶
為何不去面對?
那麼多誤解為何不去明瞭真相?
那麼多仇恨為何不去化解?
這樣子能持續多久?」
偉偉

Just as I about to slip the note under the door, dad came out. So instead I laid it on the table, and he read it. Perhaps the words touched him. And he began. He unleashed and tirade of accusations, blaming mum for doing this, for deceiving him, for conniving with me to do things behind his back, for selling stocks, for do this and that. I told him frankly and calmly: “So why be together? All the more reasons to separate.”

All three of us, sat down together. And we discussed things through.

“There’s no need for shouting, no need to be angry. ‘Good to come together, good to part’ (好聚好散). We can face this problem and so many undiscussed issues with understanding and with clarity. But we should deal with it all, and make a final end to this all. I don’t want to see you two hurt, I don’t want to see you two hurt one another.”

Eventually dad said a few things, naming the faults in mum and her wrongdoings that made him leave. He said there’s no reason to leave, since this is his home. And he’s right in saying that. But why live together and why live here when you were so free and happy elsewhere before? Why be together and come home to this face you dislike so much every single day, and toil yourself in misery and unhappiness? More fault-pointing, more accusations of deceit, deception, neglect, faults on mum’s side. On the counter-offensive, mum asked dad to take out proof for all these accusations. But dad couldn’t. He spoke of neglect, but what of the years of neglect and uncaring attitude toward this home and toward mum? He spoke of money mum is allegedly siphoning off, but could not mention any concrete case or evidence. His reasoning for leaving, for being filled with anger just did not add up, were just simply illogical comments. And I told him that very directly and frankly.

“It’s all a big joke, a rich source for gossip and laughter to friends and family. Look at you two, two adults, my mum and dad, yet look at the example you are setting! Ridiculous, simply the biggest ridicule I’ve seen.”

In an hour or so, all the vent up frustration and years of suppression and silence surfaced. Catharsis. The beginning, the years in Holland, the past; relatives, people, gossipers, meddlers; events, memories; the tears and smiles; the actions, the reactions. They surfaced as they foreseeably would, to haunt the present, but at the same time, to shed clearer light on all the congested problems that have accumulated all these years. Ultimately, everything seemed to circle around money, property, finances and stocks. It seems like he cannot let go unless all those are dealt with clearly.

“Money, money, money! It’s all about the money, isn’t it? You can’t leave without settling the accounts. Dad if you care so much about the money, then you can have it all. I will repay you once I finish my education and get a good job. With my experience and degree, I don’t think I’ll do too badly in the future. You can sell both the properties and take all the money with you. But I tell you, what is money if you loose the sons? Is money worth more than the sons you raised and cultivated? I don’t mind living it rough or having a difficult time, but I do mind you two being unhappy. I don’t mind not having a place to live, a home to go back to, but I do mind you two hurting one another.”

Dad stayed silent.

“It’s not a matter of days that the feelings of deceit and misunderstanding and distrust came to be. It’s through years of so many different events, places, people and experiences that it’s come to be the way it is today. There’s a problem, why not deal with it?
[…]
“It doesn’t matter anymore what happened in the past. That’s not the main issue. The important point is that no one is happy, I can say that brother is unhappy, I can say I am unhappy., mum is unhappy, and [despite the claim to the contrary] I know dad you are unhappy too. So we can end all this easily by finding a way out. Please don’t drag this further and endlessly.
[…]
“Marriage, it is but a contract. And a contract can be broken. Marriage, it is only just a piece of paper with words, nothing more. In this day and age, divorce is nothing new, and you needn’t think about me and my sake to stay together. You have two options: you can live together looking at one another’s angry and frustrated faces as husband and wife; or, you can separate to live your own lives, and perhaps occasionally care about one another, but live happily for the rest of your lives. A logical, a clear and very rational choice, I would think, is the latter. For both your sakes.”
[…]
“The very basic question is now this: why stay together? What is the reason or explanation for staying together? You mentioned all these faults and problems with mum. Let’s say she is 100% in the wrong, that she is 101% at fault, but why would you want to live with her, why would you want to be here at all then? A very simple question, if answered would make all other issues we discussed before redundant: Why stay together?”

A simple question, one would think. But behind it lurks so many dark, hidden and oppressive secrets and memories, still haunting this family till this moment. And until an end if put to all this, those ugly feelings of distrust, the accusations, whether false or rightful, the feelings of imbalance, of jealousy; and, most of all, that horrid face of anger which feeds the beast of revenge will continue to roar. I just hope, and pray that sooner, rather than later, my parents will have the courage, the wisdom, and the will to deal with it, once and for all. I only hope they are able to sleep well tonight, and for the future nights to come.

Just before dad retreated to his bedroom, I stood by his door.

“Whether you [two] are together or apart, I swear I will care for you, I will look you up wherever you maybe, and I will keep in contact with you. No matter what. Because you are my dad, and I am your son. No matter what. This I swear.”

Tears sweltered for the first time tonight.