Just spoke to mum on the phone. Even at home there may be a change in the weather. I called dad a few days ago, after a silence of almost three months. I talked to him a while, and told him of my plans. He was a bit sceptical, but not angry when I said I wanted to postpone my study yet again this year. Just heard from mum that she saw and spoke to dad today at the hospital when he went for the weekly check-up. He is delighted that I'm coming home. He even rescheduled his weekly check-up on Saturdays to another time, because he wants to pick me up at the airport.
My eyes were about to water when I heard that. Though he does not show it, he does care, he does want to be with his son, and his family. Mum invited him to join us on our trip to Eastern Taiwan, and he agreed. Mum told him that in old life, the most enjoyable things are time with family, and family. All else are material things, things one cannot take with you when you go. And she said he seemed to understand. She says he has become softer, even repentant in his tone, and that he is showing signs of wanting to return. I'm not sure how to react to this all...dad has been out of our family, and out of our home for almost three years already. I remember that year when I was in my first year:
I came home from work at university, and brother told me dad had moved out, that mum had been crying. Things seemed so terrible at that time. The next few months following would be solemn, filled with tensions between relatives and family members, with angry letters, phone calls and burden. I felt often like a ghost, not sure where to go, who to side with, when in fact I wanted to side with no-one. And family get-togethers were so dramatically fake and brimmed with such tolerated acting, with spiteful words, with such sarcasm and such twisted mind games that I often felt physically sick. Could it be better now? Could it all be over now?
I heard from mum today that dad is considering retirement earlier than planned. And that he might join us for a while here in Holland. At first I was happy about that. After all, it's been a while since we saw, or even lived with dad. But then my thoughts turned to something else...to the old habits that caused much of the tension and sorrow in the family in the first place. Will he be doing the same things he did almost nightly in the four years he was here? That dreaded place of smoke, of dazzling lights, of the clinking of money, chips and cards...
I now look more forward to going home. I can close my eyes and feel them water at the thought of seeing mum and dad at the airport, waiting. For me, for the proud son they have returning home. And I can already imagine the warm tears that flow when the time it is to go again...
I wonder how many smiles, sad moments, what sort of close bonding and of unpleasantness we will go through till we realise, till we realise that...
we are family.
Mum and dad in front of Mackay Hospital, Taipei, where I was born
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