A day in May

Just spent the past couple of hours browsing the net, looking for where my future might lie. And I still have no clue at all!

Been to see a studieadviseur about my plans and possibilities. She advised me to conduct my little research, and maybe even find someone who is willing to supervise me so that I could possibly bring my research into my masters studies...It all sounds so wonderful, if things could fall into place. I would go to Asia, to Taiwan, to Indonesia, see different people and worlds, collect lots of information, write many articles about my findings. I would achieve something there, I would touch lives there, I would find out what it is that has been missing from my life. Then I would return, with renewed hopes, with ideals and with determination. I would do an intership at the ICC starting next year, earn some money to support myself, gain great experience and contacts in the international world and in legal practice. Then I would pursue a study, and things would start rolling from there on.

That's all I would like to do, all I could imagine would make the worries and the frustrations go away... The days to when I'll be gone are counting down, and I feel I need more time. More time to prepare, to think things through, to read and to ready myself for my trip to Asia. Exciting as it all may sound, and as luring as it all may seem I'm having doubts and second thoughts whether I'll be able to accomplish what I set out to do. And most of all, whether I'll get the support, and by that I mean the physical, moral and approval, I need to continue on this journey.

I think about what I may be doing...I think about the one more year I'm taking out to pursue my interests, to continue this journey of discovery and exploration....but is it right? Is it what I need? Is it what I want? I doubt, sometimes, whether I will ever know what I truly want in life. Besides going to work and going home again, I feel like there is little space for me to breathe, to take time out and to just stop and think things through carefully. I should be reading up on the literature on migrant workers, I should be translating the articles I have been given, I should be studying and improving my Indonesian, I should watch the news and keep up with what's going on, I should contact my dad after all this time (it's been three months...one whole season, a quater of a year gone by without any contact at all...), I should get the essentials ready (like my visa, my plane tickets, my accomodation etc!!!) for my trip, I should be out there enjoying my life and youth more, I should be, I should be, I should be......

When I think about that all, I feel like sleeping. And I think back at the past year, at all the times I've been sleeping and playing games and doing nothing, wasting my life away, while I could have been preparing and could have been answering, or trying to find the answers to, the questions I now toil myself with! Filled with regret, remorse and longing to escape this dreadful time of doubt, uncertainty and denial.

I should face it all, no matter how tired I feel. I should be able to confront it all, no matter what difficulties and setbacks lie ahead. But it's really tough...really tough when there's no guidance, no one to really confide in and no one to share with.

The other day I was in the train and looking outside at the world pass by.
I thought how green and peaceful it all is! How peaceful and uneventful it has all been! And now I want to change all that, now I want to seek out excitement and seek out life itself elsewhere. And now I want to leave this peaceful and quiet life and head into the trouble, the dirt and the heat of other places, and of other people.

What am I doing?
What am I really doing?