Time to resume my journey again.
Looking back, I see the long, and at times arduous, trail I've left behind. Those unforgettable moments of joy, and of sadness. Those memorable places of beauty, and of darkness. Standing again at a turning point , and waiting to take another leap foward. Onto new unchartered territories.
Into the urban jungles and the wild forests,
Into the sea of culture, and the wealth of history,
of two of Sout-East Asia's spiritual gems.
Looking forward, I see endless opportunities to discover the world, in all its sounds and sights, in all its calm and troubles. The ultimate aim is to deepen further understanding, to gain insight to the unity of the everything that I see and feel. And perhaps I shall one day realise:
However long the journey,
wherever the destination may be,
One step at a time.
Time to go.
Friday, January 06, 2006
Two brothers
While riding the MRT, a mother pushing a pram with a little boy inside came aboard. She rested the pram at my feet and smiled at me. Another little boy followed her and circled around the pram and the baby inside.
One was perhaps only three, the other, the one in the pram, perhaps only one or so. But their age is not important. The older brother stood in front of the pram, looking intensely and playfully at his younger brother. And the younger brother sat surrounded by the warmth of blankets and the mother, and laughed at the older brother. His smile was toothless. But that too is not important.
Then, the younger brother gestured and opened his arms. The older brother replied with the same gesture. Laughter, filled with such untainted joy! And they embraced one another. The MRT travelled from station to station. Passengers hurriedly came aboard, passengers hurriedly left the carriage. The wind howled outside. Trees, traffic, skyscrappers and the world passed by. And they embraced one another.
What went through their minds as they embraced?
Why does it matter. The embrace was pure, meaningless, and out of heartfelt innocence. They hugged tightly, inseperably and warmly. Most of all, they hugged and smiled, and closed their eyes.
And the mother smiled at me.
The three of them parted.
One was perhaps only three, the other, the one in the pram, perhaps only one or so. But their age is not important. The older brother stood in front of the pram, looking intensely and playfully at his younger brother. And the younger brother sat surrounded by the warmth of blankets and the mother, and laughed at the older brother. His smile was toothless. But that too is not important.
Then, the younger brother gestured and opened his arms. The older brother replied with the same gesture. Laughter, filled with such untainted joy! And they embraced one another. The MRT travelled from station to station. Passengers hurriedly came aboard, passengers hurriedly left the carriage. The wind howled outside. Trees, traffic, skyscrappers and the world passed by. And they embraced one another.
What went through their minds as they embraced?
Why does it matter. The embrace was pure, meaningless, and out of heartfelt innocence. They hugged tightly, inseperably and warmly. Most of all, they hugged and smiled, and closed their eyes.
And the mother smiled at me.
The three of them parted.
Thursday, January 05, 2006
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
It goes on...
A silent dinner together, and then small talk. Nothing interesting, nothing new. A session of Q and A, where dad asked the questions, and I replied. The same monotonous questions asked so many times before, and the same monotonous answers replied so many times before.
Then dad decided to go for a walk, at half past ten. Strange time to be walking around, even more peculiar since he had telephone IC cards with him. Mum and I were left alone, she reading my blog with praise and satisfaction. But I knew that somehow, sometime the issue would come up.
And it did. Again, going around in circles, circling sorry state of affairs and atmosphere at home at the present moment. The silences, the distrust, the anger, frustration, the absence of love and care, and the presence of hostility and misunderstanding… she ended up in tears. But I became upset and frustrated. So many people have told her that she should deal with the problem once and for all. File for divorce, separate, leave dad and pursue a happier and burden-free life. But she had her reasons for staying; out of compassion, care and out of perhaps an inkling of love for someone she was with for over twenty-five years. The reality is that is situation and circumstances continue as they are now, no one will be happy, everyone will be hurt. I frankly don’t want to see two people I care for hurt and despise one another every moment of their waking moment until they die. Sooner or later, someone is bound to become ill, sick and tired, mentally, physically and spiritually, if not ill already. End this once and for all, solve the issue, deal with the problems!
As we talked, dad opened the front dad and came back. Mum went to meet him halfway. I trembled in front of the computer, and my heart raced like never before. Trembling and racing, trembling and racing, trembling and racing. And mum opened the scene.
Various sentences went by and dad did not respond at all. All I could hear were muffled voices. Then dad went and hid in his room.
I stood outside the room, and shouted at the wooden door. I was not angry, but disappointed and upset by the fact he is once again trying to flee from everything. I said frankly, there are many problems, many unsolved issues, many deep misunderstandings, and they won’t go away because the door is closed. For a while, no matter what I said, he would not open and come out. Once again, I poured my heart out and told him what I felt about the whole situation. Poured my heart out in front of a closed wooden door. I knew the door could drown the sight of me, but it could never drown my deep, penetrating words.
“I know you are unhappy, I know mum is unhappy, everyone is unhappy, and it’s only the second day since you moved back in. there’s so much tension, misunderstanding, so much distrust and delusion at the reality of things and facts, and it cannot go on. It simply cannot go on like this. I cannot stand to see two people I care about live together so unhappily and so full of grudges and misunderstanding
[…]
You have all this misunderstanding, all this delusion as to what mum and I are up to, but you don’t even bother to ask, you don’t bother to know. I tell you what you want to know, and I tell you everything truthfully and honestly, so where are the lies that you say we’ve been telling you?
[…]
I remember ten years ago [I was then eleven years old], I told mum I don’t see this marriage going anywhere. There’s no love, no care or understanding. Why stay together. I told her get a divorce, and live happily apart. And I told her time and again. Now ten years later, I say this again. Why stay together? What’s keeping you together?
[…]
Dad, the moment you left this home four years ago, this family died. It finished! And now you come back home again, as if nothing ever happened. You have the courage to come back here, and to say that you want to go live with brother and live with me in Holland. How can you even think and do all these things, when this family is so broken?
[…]
You don’t need to come out now, but sometime you will, you must. And the problems will be here, I will be here, mum will be here.”
Dad did not respond. I stopped shouting at the wooden door. I wanted to let it rest, but worried that dad would be terribly hurt and sleepless, or worse, do something ‘irrational’. So I wrote him something, and wanted to slip it under the door:
“So much bitterness and suppressed feelings,
Why not go face [them]?
So much misunderstanding
Why not go clearly understand the true face [reality of things]?
So much hatred and grudge
Why not go dissolve and resolve [them]?
This way can last for how long?
Wei-Wei”
「那麼多苦悶
為何不去面對?
那麼多誤解為何不去明瞭真相?
那麼多仇恨為何不去化解?
這樣子能持續多久?」
偉偉
Just as I about to slip the note under the door, dad came out. So instead I laid it on the table, and he read it. Perhaps the words touched him. And he began. He unleashed and tirade of accusations, blaming mum for doing this, for deceiving him, for conniving with me to do things behind his back, for selling stocks, for do this and that. I told him frankly and calmly: “So why be together? All the more reasons to separate.”
All three of us, sat down together. And we discussed things through.
“There’s no need for shouting, no need to be angry. ‘Good to come together, good to part’ (好聚好散). We can face this problem and so many undiscussed issues with understanding and with clarity. But we should deal with it all, and make a final end to this all. I don’t want to see you two hurt, I don’t want to see you two hurt one another.”
Eventually dad said a few things, naming the faults in mum and her wrongdoings that made him leave. He said there’s no reason to leave, since this is his home. And he’s right in saying that. But why live together and why live here when you were so free and happy elsewhere before? Why be together and come home to this face you dislike so much every single day, and toil yourself in misery and unhappiness? More fault-pointing, more accusations of deceit, deception, neglect, faults on mum’s side. On the counter-offensive, mum asked dad to take out proof for all these accusations. But dad couldn’t. He spoke of neglect, but what of the years of neglect and uncaring attitude toward this home and toward mum? He spoke of money mum is allegedly siphoning off, but could not mention any concrete case or evidence. His reasoning for leaving, for being filled with anger just did not add up, were just simply illogical comments. And I told him that very directly and frankly.
“It’s all a big joke, a rich source for gossip and laughter to friends and family. Look at you two, two adults, my mum and dad, yet look at the example you are setting! Ridiculous, simply the biggest ridicule I’ve seen.”
In an hour or so, all the vent up frustration and years of suppression and silence surfaced. Catharsis. The beginning, the years in Holland, the past; relatives, people, gossipers, meddlers; events, memories; the tears and smiles; the actions, the reactions. They surfaced as they foreseeably would, to haunt the present, but at the same time, to shed clearer light on all the congested problems that have accumulated all these years. Ultimately, everything seemed to circle around money, property, finances and stocks. It seems like he cannot let go unless all those are dealt with clearly.
“Money, money, money! It’s all about the money, isn’t it? You can’t leave without settling the accounts. Dad if you care so much about the money, then you can have it all. I will repay you once I finish my education and get a good job. With my experience and degree, I don’t think I’ll do too badly in the future. You can sell both the properties and take all the money with you. But I tell you, what is money if you loose the sons? Is money worth more than the sons you raised and cultivated? I don’t mind living it rough or having a difficult time, but I do mind you two being unhappy. I don’t mind not having a place to live, a home to go back to, but I do mind you two hurting one another.”
Dad stayed silent.
“It’s not a matter of days that the feelings of deceit and misunderstanding and distrust came to be. It’s through years of so many different events, places, people and experiences that it’s come to be the way it is today. There’s a problem, why not deal with it?
[…]
“It doesn’t matter anymore what happened in the past. That’s not the main issue. The important point is that no one is happy, I can say that brother is unhappy, I can say I am unhappy., mum is unhappy, and [despite the claim to the contrary] I know dad you are unhappy too. So we can end all this easily by finding a way out. Please don’t drag this further and endlessly.
[…]
“Marriage, it is but a contract. And a contract can be broken. Marriage, it is only just a piece of paper with words, nothing more. In this day and age, divorce is nothing new, and you needn’t think about me and my sake to stay together. You have two options: you can live together looking at one another’s angry and frustrated faces as husband and wife; or, you can separate to live your own lives, and perhaps occasionally care about one another, but live happily for the rest of your lives. A logical, a clear and very rational choice, I would think, is the latter. For both your sakes.”
[…]
“The very basic question is now this: why stay together? What is the reason or explanation for staying together? You mentioned all these faults and problems with mum. Let’s say she is 100% in the wrong, that she is 101% at fault, but why would you want to live with her, why would you want to be here at all then? A very simple question, if answered would make all other issues we discussed before redundant: Why stay together?”
A simple question, one would think. But behind it lurks so many dark, hidden and oppressive secrets and memories, still haunting this family till this moment. And until an end if put to all this, those ugly feelings of distrust, the accusations, whether false or rightful, the feelings of imbalance, of jealousy; and, most of all, that horrid face of anger which feeds the beast of revenge will continue to roar. I just hope, and pray that sooner, rather than later, my parents will have the courage, the wisdom, and the will to deal with it, once and for all. I only hope they are able to sleep well tonight, and for the future nights to come.
Just before dad retreated to his bedroom, I stood by his door.
“Whether you [two] are together or apart, I swear I will care for you, I will look you up wherever you maybe, and I will keep in contact with you. No matter what. Because you are my dad, and I am your son. No matter what. This I swear.”
Tears sweltered for the first time tonight.
Then dad decided to go for a walk, at half past ten. Strange time to be walking around, even more peculiar since he had telephone IC cards with him. Mum and I were left alone, she reading my blog with praise and satisfaction. But I knew that somehow, sometime the issue would come up.
And it did. Again, going around in circles, circling sorry state of affairs and atmosphere at home at the present moment. The silences, the distrust, the anger, frustration, the absence of love and care, and the presence of hostility and misunderstanding… she ended up in tears. But I became upset and frustrated. So many people have told her that she should deal with the problem once and for all. File for divorce, separate, leave dad and pursue a happier and burden-free life. But she had her reasons for staying; out of compassion, care and out of perhaps an inkling of love for someone she was with for over twenty-five years. The reality is that is situation and circumstances continue as they are now, no one will be happy, everyone will be hurt. I frankly don’t want to see two people I care for hurt and despise one another every moment of their waking moment until they die. Sooner or later, someone is bound to become ill, sick and tired, mentally, physically and spiritually, if not ill already. End this once and for all, solve the issue, deal with the problems!
As we talked, dad opened the front dad and came back. Mum went to meet him halfway. I trembled in front of the computer, and my heart raced like never before. Trembling and racing, trembling and racing, trembling and racing. And mum opened the scene.
Various sentences went by and dad did not respond at all. All I could hear were muffled voices. Then dad went and hid in his room.
I stood outside the room, and shouted at the wooden door. I was not angry, but disappointed and upset by the fact he is once again trying to flee from everything. I said frankly, there are many problems, many unsolved issues, many deep misunderstandings, and they won’t go away because the door is closed. For a while, no matter what I said, he would not open and come out. Once again, I poured my heart out and told him what I felt about the whole situation. Poured my heart out in front of a closed wooden door. I knew the door could drown the sight of me, but it could never drown my deep, penetrating words.
“I know you are unhappy, I know mum is unhappy, everyone is unhappy, and it’s only the second day since you moved back in. there’s so much tension, misunderstanding, so much distrust and delusion at the reality of things and facts, and it cannot go on. It simply cannot go on like this. I cannot stand to see two people I care about live together so unhappily and so full of grudges and misunderstanding
[…]
You have all this misunderstanding, all this delusion as to what mum and I are up to, but you don’t even bother to ask, you don’t bother to know. I tell you what you want to know, and I tell you everything truthfully and honestly, so where are the lies that you say we’ve been telling you?
[…]
I remember ten years ago [I was then eleven years old], I told mum I don’t see this marriage going anywhere. There’s no love, no care or understanding. Why stay together. I told her get a divorce, and live happily apart. And I told her time and again. Now ten years later, I say this again. Why stay together? What’s keeping you together?
[…]
Dad, the moment you left this home four years ago, this family died. It finished! And now you come back home again, as if nothing ever happened. You have the courage to come back here, and to say that you want to go live with brother and live with me in Holland. How can you even think and do all these things, when this family is so broken?
[…]
You don’t need to come out now, but sometime you will, you must. And the problems will be here, I will be here, mum will be here.”
Dad did not respond. I stopped shouting at the wooden door. I wanted to let it rest, but worried that dad would be terribly hurt and sleepless, or worse, do something ‘irrational’. So I wrote him something, and wanted to slip it under the door:
“So much bitterness and suppressed feelings,
Why not go face [them]?
So much misunderstanding
Why not go clearly understand the true face [reality of things]?
So much hatred and grudge
Why not go dissolve and resolve [them]?
This way can last for how long?
Wei-Wei”
「那麼多苦悶
為何不去面對?
那麼多誤解為何不去明瞭真相?
那麼多仇恨為何不去化解?
這樣子能持續多久?」
偉偉
Just as I about to slip the note under the door, dad came out. So instead I laid it on the table, and he read it. Perhaps the words touched him. And he began. He unleashed and tirade of accusations, blaming mum for doing this, for deceiving him, for conniving with me to do things behind his back, for selling stocks, for do this and that. I told him frankly and calmly: “So why be together? All the more reasons to separate.”
All three of us, sat down together. And we discussed things through.
“There’s no need for shouting, no need to be angry. ‘Good to come together, good to part’ (好聚好散). We can face this problem and so many undiscussed issues with understanding and with clarity. But we should deal with it all, and make a final end to this all. I don’t want to see you two hurt, I don’t want to see you two hurt one another.”
Eventually dad said a few things, naming the faults in mum and her wrongdoings that made him leave. He said there’s no reason to leave, since this is his home. And he’s right in saying that. But why live together and why live here when you were so free and happy elsewhere before? Why be together and come home to this face you dislike so much every single day, and toil yourself in misery and unhappiness? More fault-pointing, more accusations of deceit, deception, neglect, faults on mum’s side. On the counter-offensive, mum asked dad to take out proof for all these accusations. But dad couldn’t. He spoke of neglect, but what of the years of neglect and uncaring attitude toward this home and toward mum? He spoke of money mum is allegedly siphoning off, but could not mention any concrete case or evidence. His reasoning for leaving, for being filled with anger just did not add up, were just simply illogical comments. And I told him that very directly and frankly.
“It’s all a big joke, a rich source for gossip and laughter to friends and family. Look at you two, two adults, my mum and dad, yet look at the example you are setting! Ridiculous, simply the biggest ridicule I’ve seen.”
In an hour or so, all the vent up frustration and years of suppression and silence surfaced. Catharsis. The beginning, the years in Holland, the past; relatives, people, gossipers, meddlers; events, memories; the tears and smiles; the actions, the reactions. They surfaced as they foreseeably would, to haunt the present, but at the same time, to shed clearer light on all the congested problems that have accumulated all these years. Ultimately, everything seemed to circle around money, property, finances and stocks. It seems like he cannot let go unless all those are dealt with clearly.
“Money, money, money! It’s all about the money, isn’t it? You can’t leave without settling the accounts. Dad if you care so much about the money, then you can have it all. I will repay you once I finish my education and get a good job. With my experience and degree, I don’t think I’ll do too badly in the future. You can sell both the properties and take all the money with you. But I tell you, what is money if you loose the sons? Is money worth more than the sons you raised and cultivated? I don’t mind living it rough or having a difficult time, but I do mind you two being unhappy. I don’t mind not having a place to live, a home to go back to, but I do mind you two hurting one another.”
Dad stayed silent.
“It’s not a matter of days that the feelings of deceit and misunderstanding and distrust came to be. It’s through years of so many different events, places, people and experiences that it’s come to be the way it is today. There’s a problem, why not deal with it?
[…]
“It doesn’t matter anymore what happened in the past. That’s not the main issue. The important point is that no one is happy, I can say that brother is unhappy, I can say I am unhappy., mum is unhappy, and [despite the claim to the contrary] I know dad you are unhappy too. So we can end all this easily by finding a way out. Please don’t drag this further and endlessly.
[…]
“Marriage, it is but a contract. And a contract can be broken. Marriage, it is only just a piece of paper with words, nothing more. In this day and age, divorce is nothing new, and you needn’t think about me and my sake to stay together. You have two options: you can live together looking at one another’s angry and frustrated faces as husband and wife; or, you can separate to live your own lives, and perhaps occasionally care about one another, but live happily for the rest of your lives. A logical, a clear and very rational choice, I would think, is the latter. For both your sakes.”
[…]
“The very basic question is now this: why stay together? What is the reason or explanation for staying together? You mentioned all these faults and problems with mum. Let’s say she is 100% in the wrong, that she is 101% at fault, but why would you want to live with her, why would you want to be here at all then? A very simple question, if answered would make all other issues we discussed before redundant: Why stay together?”
A simple question, one would think. But behind it lurks so many dark, hidden and oppressive secrets and memories, still haunting this family till this moment. And until an end if put to all this, those ugly feelings of distrust, the accusations, whether false or rightful, the feelings of imbalance, of jealousy; and, most of all, that horrid face of anger which feeds the beast of revenge will continue to roar. I just hope, and pray that sooner, rather than later, my parents will have the courage, the wisdom, and the will to deal with it, once and for all. I only hope they are able to sleep well tonight, and for the future nights to come.
Just before dad retreated to his bedroom, I stood by his door.
“Whether you [two] are together or apart, I swear I will care for you, I will look you up wherever you maybe, and I will keep in contact with you. No matter what. Because you are my dad, and I am your son. No matter what. This I swear.”
Tears sweltered for the first time tonight.
Monday, January 02, 2006
A note on freedom of expression
I write what I feel and experience, and at no time do I write with the intention to hurt or harm anyone or anything.
Some people have been saying that perhaps my blogs are too vocal, too revealing and too sensitive, and that perhaps I should 'tone down' a bit. But I don't feel I need to censor myself because of what others might or might not say about me and my life.
I write because I want to share a slice of my life, so that others can understand and perhaps also relate to. Whether you want to read it or not, that's your choice. But please don't use my blog as a source for gossip and rumour-spreading.
I can't stop you from reading, but please also don't stop me from writing.
Some people have been saying that perhaps my blogs are too vocal, too revealing and too sensitive, and that perhaps I should 'tone down' a bit. But I don't feel I need to censor myself because of what others might or might not say about me and my life.
I write because I want to share a slice of my life, so that others can understand and perhaps also relate to. Whether you want to read it or not, that's your choice. But please don't use my blog as a source for gossip and rumour-spreading.
I can't stop you from reading, but please also don't stop me from writing.
Strange atmosphere
For two days, the atmosphere at home has been strange. At times, it feels oppressive, and the silence is choking, the simmering tension unbearable.
As planned, dad moved back home. And the house is a mess. All of his belongings in bags and rags lying around, still untidied and unclean. But it's only been two days, so give him time.
Yesterday, we went together up Yanming Mountain. It seemed like a good day, another 'family day out', but I knew and I felt that underneath the smiles and conversation tensions brewed and simmered. And tonight it did. The eruption was more controlled compared to before, but still the tension, the unspoken silence and sheer hypocrisy and il-logic of the argumens seemed at the moment unbearable.
It circled around learning and practising Dhamma and meditation. Dad has always been strongly opposed to anything remotely related to spirituality and religion. To him, it's all mere superstition, opportunities rife corruption, and unproductive ideas which fool educated people and rot their brains. So naturally, he's been a hindrance to my further pursuit of spiritual wellbeing and Dhamma. To him, people who do these things are lazy layabouts fooled by those who organise talks and shows to amass wealth and live in luxurious temples. I tried to explain to him that what I've come into contact with is different from Buddhism of the Mahayana tradition (北傳佛教). It is different from all that incense burning, all that praying and kowtowing before wooden deities and gods, and all that blind faith in beings supreme and all-powerful. And there are no spirit mediums, no miraculous healing powers, no invisible forces or spirits, as is prevalent in Taiwanese local folklore, either.
When you go back to the basics, Buddhism is about living in the present, in the here and now, and doing so with a mindful, balanced mind; so that you are not haunted by the past, troubled by the future, but have a happy, harmonious and peaceful relationship with others and yourself. That's all there is.
But perhaps due to misunderstanding, ignorance and deep self-conviction, Buddhism to dad, and many others, has a terrible reputation as a money-grabbing, soul-confining and family-wrecking affair. So once again, we've reached an impasse, at a misunderstanding that runs deeper than the current dabate about religion. Dad believes one thing, and while other people speak of another. No amount of persuasion or of explaining can get through to him, it seems.
So ultimately I sat with mum in the living room. We both knew and felt the disruption and disturbance in our lives ever since dad moved back in. I wonder how and why that if such situations were foreseeable, and thus preventable, how and why something was not done to deal with them. It seems obvious that not much has changed in the way dad behaves and talks, so why tolerate and allow him to be back home, after he suddenly left (abandoned) this home?
It's not that I dislike dad with such intensity and anger, but somethings he says and does simply defies logic and belief. It's as if nothing ever happened, and that everything is again back to normal, despite the years of absence and abandonment. But that's not the way things are. That's merely a fantasy, a mirage kept alive by continued tolerance (not acceptance), masked smiles (rather than true identities) and silence (instead of open heart-to-heart talks).
Then again, I say to myself, at times: that's just the way he is, the way he has been conditioned to be, so accept him as he is. But there reaches a point when one's being and nature causes other people to be happy and suffer as a result, and you know then that that is not healthy. It's not healthy for the one doing it, and for the one affected by it. I want him to be happy, at ease and relaxed so that he may enjoyment his retirement and remaining years...but obviously he cannot do so, and others at home cannot do so, if things continue the way they have so often been, and the way they appear to be going.
Perhaps I've not given him enough benefit of the doubt. Perhaps I should accept dad as he is and as someone who is difficult to talk to, difficult to live with. Perhaps it is but me and my inability to understand and be compassionate enough that is causing all this trouble inside. But I simply cannot understand why people come together and live together under the same roof, even if there seems to be such friction, distrust and misunderstanding. Reminds me of a foolish child playing with a candle. Though attracted by the magical ever-changing nature of the flame and its warmth, (s)he continues to be burnt as he draws near time after time after time.
I realise that again I am caught in this never-ending whirlpool, which continue to drag me down and suck me in, despite my attempts to free myself from what ultimately is not of my direct concern. I realise that we are all human, and undoubtedly will make mistakes. And I realise many of the feelings and thoughts I expose myself to are contrary to what I've been learning, practising and preaching...
It's only been two days, so give him time.
But when is enough enough?
As planned, dad moved back home. And the house is a mess. All of his belongings in bags and rags lying around, still untidied and unclean. But it's only been two days, so give him time.
Yesterday, we went together up Yanming Mountain. It seemed like a good day, another 'family day out', but I knew and I felt that underneath the smiles and conversation tensions brewed and simmered. And tonight it did. The eruption was more controlled compared to before, but still the tension, the unspoken silence and sheer hypocrisy and il-logic of the argumens seemed at the moment unbearable.
It circled around learning and practising Dhamma and meditation. Dad has always been strongly opposed to anything remotely related to spirituality and religion. To him, it's all mere superstition, opportunities rife corruption, and unproductive ideas which fool educated people and rot their brains. So naturally, he's been a hindrance to my further pursuit of spiritual wellbeing and Dhamma. To him, people who do these things are lazy layabouts fooled by those who organise talks and shows to amass wealth and live in luxurious temples. I tried to explain to him that what I've come into contact with is different from Buddhism of the Mahayana tradition (北傳佛教). It is different from all that incense burning, all that praying and kowtowing before wooden deities and gods, and all that blind faith in beings supreme and all-powerful. And there are no spirit mediums, no miraculous healing powers, no invisible forces or spirits, as is prevalent in Taiwanese local folklore, either.
When you go back to the basics, Buddhism is about living in the present, in the here and now, and doing so with a mindful, balanced mind; so that you are not haunted by the past, troubled by the future, but have a happy, harmonious and peaceful relationship with others and yourself. That's all there is.
But perhaps due to misunderstanding, ignorance and deep self-conviction, Buddhism to dad, and many others, has a terrible reputation as a money-grabbing, soul-confining and family-wrecking affair. So once again, we've reached an impasse, at a misunderstanding that runs deeper than the current dabate about religion. Dad believes one thing, and while other people speak of another. No amount of persuasion or of explaining can get through to him, it seems.
So ultimately I sat with mum in the living room. We both knew and felt the disruption and disturbance in our lives ever since dad moved back in. I wonder how and why that if such situations were foreseeable, and thus preventable, how and why something was not done to deal with them. It seems obvious that not much has changed in the way dad behaves and talks, so why tolerate and allow him to be back home, after he suddenly left (abandoned) this home?
It's not that I dislike dad with such intensity and anger, but somethings he says and does simply defies logic and belief. It's as if nothing ever happened, and that everything is again back to normal, despite the years of absence and abandonment. But that's not the way things are. That's merely a fantasy, a mirage kept alive by continued tolerance (not acceptance), masked smiles (rather than true identities) and silence (instead of open heart-to-heart talks).
Then again, I say to myself, at times: that's just the way he is, the way he has been conditioned to be, so accept him as he is. But there reaches a point when one's being and nature causes other people to be happy and suffer as a result, and you know then that that is not healthy. It's not healthy for the one doing it, and for the one affected by it. I want him to be happy, at ease and relaxed so that he may enjoyment his retirement and remaining years...but obviously he cannot do so, and others at home cannot do so, if things continue the way they have so often been, and the way they appear to be going.
Perhaps I've not given him enough benefit of the doubt. Perhaps I should accept dad as he is and as someone who is difficult to talk to, difficult to live with. Perhaps it is but me and my inability to understand and be compassionate enough that is causing all this trouble inside. But I simply cannot understand why people come together and live together under the same roof, even if there seems to be such friction, distrust and misunderstanding. Reminds me of a foolish child playing with a candle. Though attracted by the magical ever-changing nature of the flame and its warmth, (s)he continues to be burnt as he draws near time after time after time.
I realise that again I am caught in this never-ending whirlpool, which continue to drag me down and suck me in, despite my attempts to free myself from what ultimately is not of my direct concern. I realise that we are all human, and undoubtedly will make mistakes. And I realise many of the feelings and thoughts I expose myself to are contrary to what I've been learning, practising and preaching...
It's only been two days, so give him time.
But when is enough enough?
Happy 2006!
To everyone around the world,
A moment of silence to reflect on the passing of the old,
A moment of silence to welcome the coming of the new.
At this turning point, we embrace a new day, a new year.
Let us try to become better people,
To be more understanding, more compassionate, more human.
Let us try to see not just the faults in people and things around us, but to recognise everything and everyone the way they are.
We can try to change the world and everyone in it,
but ultimately we can only change ourselves,
Change how we think, how we behave, how we talk.
One little effort to improve ourselves, and we will notice that we are less troubled, less chaotic and less burdened than before.
And such change can be infectious.
May this new year, and each and every moment of it, be filled with happiness, peace and harmony, wherever you may be.
A moment of silence to reflect on the passing of the old,
A moment of silence to welcome the coming of the new.
At this turning point, we embrace a new day, a new year.
Let us try to become better people,
To be more understanding, more compassionate, more human.
Let us try to see not just the faults in people and things around us, but to recognise everything and everyone the way they are.
We can try to change the world and everyone in it,
but ultimately we can only change ourselves,
Change how we think, how we behave, how we talk.
One little effort to improve ourselves, and we will notice that we are less troubled, less chaotic and less burdened than before.
And such change can be infectious.
May this new year, and each and every moment of it, be filled with happiness, peace and harmony, wherever you may be.
Sunday, January 01, 2006
Midnight at Taipei 101
There is something magical standing beneath the tallest building in the world and watching it light up like a candle at the stroke of midnight.
I was there, one of many at the gawking at the Taipei 101 tower before us, at midnight, on the first day of January, in the year 2006.
All that waiting and anticipation ended as the building completely dimmed before the final countdown. Gone was the usual brilliant rainbow-coloured ribbon with which Taipei 101 usually captures the night sky. The crowd let out a resounding awe, and counted down to the big moment, as each of the eight sections of the truncated tower lit up, one by one. Thousands of sparks burst into sudden motion. The top exploded with a dazzling display of flashes, bangs and sparkles, as if countless shooting stars shot themselves in all directions. Sparklets of gold and silver surrounded the tower at times like tinsles on a Christmas tree. Though the entire show lasted barely three minutes, each moment the eyes and ears were greeted with unexpected surprises in a mesmorising show of pyrotechnics.
Later I learned, the city government and organisers of the events in throughout the evening were fined a dozens times for violating noise control regulations...
I was there, one of many at the gawking at the Taipei 101 tower before us, at midnight, on the first day of January, in the year 2006.
All that waiting and anticipation ended as the building completely dimmed before the final countdown. Gone was the usual brilliant rainbow-coloured ribbon with which Taipei 101 usually captures the night sky. The crowd let out a resounding awe, and counted down to the big moment, as each of the eight sections of the truncated tower lit up, one by one. Thousands of sparks burst into sudden motion. The top exploded with a dazzling display of flashes, bangs and sparkles, as if countless shooting stars shot themselves in all directions. Sparklets of gold and silver surrounded the tower at times like tinsles on a Christmas tree. Though the entire show lasted barely three minutes, each moment the eyes and ears were greeted with unexpected surprises in a mesmorising show of pyrotechnics.
Later I learned, the city government and organisers of the events in throughout the evening were fined a dozens times for violating noise control regulations...
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