Strange atmosphere

For two days, the atmosphere at home has been strange. At times, it feels oppressive, and the silence is choking, the simmering tension unbearable.

As planned, dad moved back home. And the house is a mess. All of his belongings in bags and rags lying around, still untidied and unclean. But it's only been two days, so give him time.

Yesterday, we went together up Yanming Mountain. It seemed like a good day, another 'family day out', but I knew and I felt that underneath the smiles and conversation tensions brewed and simmered. And tonight it did. The eruption was more controlled compared to before, but still the tension, the unspoken silence and sheer hypocrisy and il-logic of the argumens seemed at the moment unbearable.

It circled around learning and practising Dhamma and meditation. Dad has always been strongly opposed to anything remotely related to spirituality and religion. To him, it's all mere superstition, opportunities rife corruption, and unproductive ideas which fool educated people and rot their brains. So naturally, he's been a hindrance to my further pursuit of spiritual wellbeing and Dhamma. To him, people who do these things are lazy layabouts fooled by those who organise talks and shows to amass wealth and live in luxurious temples. I tried to explain to him that what I've come into contact with is different from Buddhism of the Mahayana tradition (北傳佛教). It is different from all that incense burning, all that praying and kowtowing before wooden deities and gods, and all that blind faith in beings supreme and all-powerful. And there are no spirit mediums, no miraculous healing powers, no invisible forces or spirits, as is prevalent in Taiwanese local folklore, either.

When you go back to the basics, Buddhism is about living in the present, in the here and now, and doing so with a mindful, balanced mind; so that you are not haunted by the past, troubled by the future, but have a happy, harmonious and peaceful relationship with others and yourself. That's all there is.

But perhaps due to misunderstanding, ignorance and deep self-conviction, Buddhism to dad, and many others, has a terrible reputation as a money-grabbing, soul-confining and family-wrecking affair. So once again, we've reached an impasse, at a misunderstanding that runs deeper than the current dabate about religion. Dad believes one thing, and while other people speak of another. No amount of persuasion or of explaining can get through to him, it seems.

So ultimately I sat with mum in the living room. We both knew and felt the disruption and disturbance in our lives ever since dad moved back in. I wonder how and why that if such situations were foreseeable, and thus preventable, how and why something was not done to deal with them. It seems obvious that not much has changed in the way dad behaves and talks, so why tolerate and allow him to be back home, after he suddenly left (abandoned) this home?

It's not that I dislike dad with such intensity and anger, but somethings he says and does simply defies logic and belief. It's as if nothing ever happened, and that everything is again back to normal, despite the years of absence and abandonment. But that's not the way things are. That's merely a fantasy, a mirage kept alive by continued tolerance (not acceptance), masked smiles (rather than true identities) and silence (instead of open heart-to-heart talks).

Then again, I say to myself, at times: that's just the way he is, the way he has been conditioned to be, so accept him as he is. But there reaches a point when one's being and nature causes other people to be happy and suffer as a result, and you know then that that is not healthy. It's not healthy for the one doing it, and for the one affected by it. I want him to be happy, at ease and relaxed so that he may enjoyment his retirement and remaining years...but obviously he cannot do so, and others at home cannot do so, if things continue the way they have so often been, and the way they appear to be going.

Perhaps I've not given him enough benefit of the doubt. Perhaps I should accept dad as he is and as someone who is difficult to talk to, difficult to live with. Perhaps it is but me and my inability to understand and be compassionate enough that is causing all this trouble inside. But I simply cannot understand why people come together and live together under the same roof, even if there seems to be such friction, distrust and misunderstanding. Reminds me of a foolish child playing with a candle. Though attracted by the magical ever-changing nature of the flame and its warmth, (s)he continues to be burnt as he draws near time after time after time.

I realise that again I am caught in this never-ending whirlpool, which continue to drag me down and suck me in, despite my attempts to free myself from what ultimately is not of my direct concern. I realise that we are all human, and undoubtedly will make mistakes. And I realise many of the feelings and thoughts I expose myself to are contrary to what I've been learning, practising and preaching...

It's only been two days, so give him time.
But when is enough enough?