'Say a little prayer for...me'!

One of my favourite songs. Of course, the real title is 'Say a little prayer for you'. It's on the radio now. Ironic after somethings that happened today.

Just returned from a weddingparty of a colleague. It was in the cellar (or so it seemed) of Fort Blauwkapel near Utrecht. So different from the wedding parties in the movies...more like something SOASians (my uni in London) would able to pull off! Tibetan music and singing, Medditeranean foods, Medieval singing and dancing. Quite unique, quite 'multi-culti'! And the couple were beautiful together. Amid good friends and family we celebrated the night away. When you know it's the one, you know.

Looking at all these people around me, seemingly settled and happy. Either married or in a serious relationship. Maybe it's their age, since most people I know or work with are much (I mean MUCH) older. And seeing them together as couples makes me, not jealous, but somehow wonder why I'm alone. Often imagine meeting or being with someone...kind, sweet, warm and in touch with the 'human' side...often imagine going to some place to 'pick' someone up, or be picked up....but never had the will or courage. Always something is in the way, or excuses like 'if I start something now, I'll be gone in a few weeks...'

Then a 'Tante' at work was saying I think too much of others, and do not care enough of myself. Which was surprising, and I'm still wondering why she said that. But it's true. I do care too much about others, and they seem to come first before me, whatever I do, whatever I think of. Why do I not 'love' myself, not treasure who I am, and what I have accomplished? Nothing seems enough for me, I seem to want more, demand more from me, but take whatever others give, or do not give, me. This selfless-ness, if it's possible, is tiring, and should stop. Like Tante was saying, 'een gewoonte leer je aan, maar een gewoonte leer je ook af!' (a habit you learn, but a habit you also unlearn') True, very true, but difficult to practice.

The moment I came through the door, the first thing brother asked was whether I took the bike today. No greeting, no how-are-you, no how-was-it...just a command, a sentence to make me guilty of 'taking' the bike, of ot answering the phone when he called. Of course I took the bike, who else?! Of course I didn't hear the phone, or else I would have answered it. I just ignored him and went away. Not the first time, but everytime an insult. Incosiderate. Bossy. Unforgiving. Mean.

The kitchen seemed full of rubbish. Empty package of noddle just on the kitchen counter, bottles on the floor, noodle still in a pot after four days, unwashed dishes, and the bin full even though its garbage night. Why should I do anything? Be a little selfish. They have been home the whole day, why couldn't they do any of it?

When going upstairs, Kleine Kat (my cat) followed me. I sat down, and she butted me, my arms, legs, hands and body with her head. I caressed her softly...maybe she was hungry, maybe she was hungry for attention, but it still made me think, for the so many-est time (de zoveelste keer: meaning countless times):
at least someone is happy to see me!



Kleine Kat