Clouding

It’s beginning to cloud outside. The sun which has been so extrovert and strong the past few days is disappearing, if only for now. It’s good, for a change, in a way, to know that there is a different sort of feel to Spring.

It’s been a while since I contacted my parents. I guess I should have done that before I came to Strasbourg, so as not to let them worry. The thought of ‘abandoning my duties at home’ to come here on a seemingly selfless mission to help a friend in need seemed hard to justify at the time when I left home compared to the demands and expectations of my parents. And now the situation seems to be even worse, especially since I simply disappeared without telling them where it is that I went to.

And my fears were confirmed when I heard through my friend that my mum had called her mum to ask where I was. I wonder what prompted my mum to become so concerned when, after all, I’ve been away for almost three weeks already. There’ll be a lot of explaining to do the next time I call home.

I don’t know the details of what happened exactly, and I’m not even sure whether my brother told my parents that I’d be away and where I’d be. So the facts are vague as to how my parents feel about my unexpected disappearance (and me abandoning my duties at home). I could just speculate their reaction, and dread the worst. I could almost hear my dad being irate, and throwing abuse around again, about the fact that I’m more concerned about other people’s lives than about my own future. I could almost hear my mum’s worries that me spending too much time with my friend would lead to certain… ‘complications’. Pointless speculation and worry, yes…

Sometimes, I wish I could be just answerable to myself. Sometimes, I wish I could gain the confidence and support of those around me for my decisions and actions. Sure, sometimes I have no idea where I’m heading, and what it is that I’m really doing at the moment, but at least I feel needed and useful whenever and wherever the situation arises for me to help others. And like now I’d choose to help others over and above my own personal ‘obligations’ and ‘commitments’. Perhaps it’s stupid, pointless, unnecessary, or whatever people may be able to conjure up to dissuade me from doing what I’m doing. But at least to me, for now, it’s the right thing to do. I may have worries and fear what other people might say, but at least I have no regrets. No struggle with my conscience. And that way my heart is at ease