Sunday, May 14, 2006

What am I doing?

To be honest I'm not sure.

Another week has gone by and I'm not sure what I've actually done that's 'constructive'.
Did some reparation/paintjob outside almost everyday, but there doesn't seem to be an end to that. Did lots of reading, and writing too. Finally got the applications for study and internship(s) sorted as well. Also managed to start the long term residence application dad's been asking about.

And there's still this one big job to do. The interest rate mortgage on our house is too high, and my parents want me to go negotiate a better deal. As if I could just walk into the bank and demand terms. Had a look around online on the terms and conditions, and just realised how really greedy these money-grabbing banks are! They put everything in such beautiful language about how you can 'profit' by banking with them...but they just want to make money off of your money. To change the terms of a mortgage there's a hefty fine (thousands of Euros!). And it all has to be done in writing. Doesn't help when the persons who actually took out the mortgage are not here. Related to that are urgent replacements of our front windows, which are really starting to fall apart. To do that will cost lots of money, and that's something else I need to 'negotiate' with the bank too.

Results, do this, do that... that's what they want from me.

But seems like all those things I've done haven't given any visible results. Which may explain why I feel so useless when I look back at the past week. I feel like I'm lazy, useless and so demotivated. Other people are out there studying or working, while I'm at home, bumming, cleaning, doing these household tasks and dealing with the messy and mundane 'official' business of bills, bills and more bills!!! Why am I not out there trying to do something for myself? Why am I not out there contributing to society?

Feel like I'm some kind of leech living off of my parents' money and living in my parents' house.
A leech who likes to rant.

1 comment:

itchingjo said...

We both have to be patient.
since then, we'll get surer of what we're doing and what we will do for our own and the surroundings.

the old saying: be patient and listen to our hearts, voice.

"Listen with your heart, you will understand..." ( Grandma Willow in "Pocahontas")

Citation of lyrics:

Listen With Your Heart

Voice of the Wind
Ay ay ay ya
Ay ay ya
Grandmother Willow
Que que na-to-ra
You will understand

Listen with your heart
You will understand

Let it break upon you
Like a wave upon the sand

Listen with your heart
You will understand

Voice of the Wind
You will understand ...